There have been many tinder diaries over the years; from Sex and the City, to Why Won't You Date Me to She Rates Dogs. These diaries cover the good the bad and the ugly of dating.
These short snippets cover my approach to dating, why it didn't work out and why they probably need to take a long rummage around in the hurt locker. First of all, my Tinder bio;Ideally looking for a man with the same aftershave as my dad to fill the void he left. But a woman who has attachment issues will also be welcome. Will also swipe right on anyone called Harriet or a red head. No one is safe. Once elbowed in the head by Jason Momoa.
Granted, there is a lot going on here. What is she looking for? A mum? A Dad? A partner? A fuck? To be honest, I have no idea. BUT it's a great conversation starter. And as a result, the weirdos descend (including my current partner so I must have done something right).
One trend in particular is the man who says he is a Dom in the bedroom.
Oh darling no. Men who say they are a Dom in the bedroom mean they like to spank you really hard and ram you like Bjorn infiltrating Kattegate, Vikings Season 5.2 style.
As a woman who is slowly getting into the BDSM scene (I say slowly because I am not a professional and I haven't had enough genuine encounters ((because of these fuck boys)) to say I am a fully fledged member) I know what a Dom is like and what the concept of a Dom is. Apparently, a lot of people (read: white boys in their 20's)
So, I am on my most recent date. We are a few drinks in and things are going well. Chemistry is flowing and the conversation turns to sex.
"Do you have any kinks?"
I present him my dissertation of kinks and ask him what he likes in turn.
"Oh I'm a Dom in bed"
Instantly I am intrigued. Could this be the one to fulfil my sub fantasies?
Later that night, we are in the bedroom. The usual stripping down commences
(Read: I have nipped to the bathroom to change underwear and wash, then stumbled back to my room with the sexual appeal of Johanna Lumley in The Wolf of Wallstreet).
I'm on his lap, straddling him as we make out. He starts kissing down my neck, little teasing bites. He undoes my top and pulls my bra aside, letting out a little "fuckkk" as he begins to lick, suck and play with my boobs. My back is arched, head thrown back. This is bliss. This is what I paid £15 a cocktail for. Then he does the unthinkable and bites my nipple. Not a teasing little nipple nibble but a full on: Oh Grandmother what big teeth you have! Chomp.
We make eye contact; he has a mischievous gleam to his eye, I have a watery gleam to mine from the pain of my having my nipple treated like a piece of tough steak.
"I told you I like it rough"
Hmmm yes, there is rough and then there is being a brute.
I push him down, no matter, I think, one error isn't enough to call this off etc.
The moment continues, we are both naked by this point and preparing for the main act of the evening.
I'm bent over, doggy style it is. Then, he spanks me.
I love a spank as much as the next masochist, but the spank he delivers is enough to dent my right cheek for life.Eventually we start fucking and he is still clouting my arse and ramming into me with all the ferocity of Leonardo Di Caprio fighting that bear for an Oscar. After a few minutes, I've gotten bored of this pummelling and pull away to get on top. The fun begins with a bit of power play; both of us wrestling to be in control. He is then back on top and I am goading him with some dirty talk, ready for the fucking of my life.
Now. I'm no stranger to being choked but what I am a stranger to is him.
Why have you invited him home and started having sex? Because I wanted to have sex. I wasn't at any point agreeing to be choked.
Everyone's pain threshold is going to be different and so are everyone's preferences. Unless stated, never assume. For some people, spanking is something that has to be built up to with trust over time. I think choking, which is very much a dominating power move that can easily become life threatening if not done correctly, is something that needs to be discussed beforehand.
Whilst I knew (well, hoped) he wouldn't kill me, I don't particularly get off on choking. So I removed his hand and told him no.
But seriously. This has only ever happened when I sleep with boys. Why are you all suddenly into choking?! Why is it the new spanking for you lot?
The next person that tries to choke me without first asking if I am okay with it, I am going to play dead.
Once upon a time when I dated a professional Dom, we had a long conversation about our likes and dislikes. Whilst we both had a lot in common, we also had things that neither of us liked, or perhaps one liked but the other did not. We took note of this. From mediocre things such as biting and spanking, to hardcore things such as choking and gagging.
The bottom line is, never assume.
So, ladies and gentlemen out there calling yourselves a "dom", do some research on what being a Dom is, and perhaps check with your partners in the moment if they want to do something.
Eventually we finish and dessert consists of me wearing a full set of PJ's, wearing an eye mask and telling them if they steal the duvet they will be out on their arse quicker than they came.